Ah, the 80s. A decade filled with spandex, big hair, and bigger egos. A simpler time in which image was everything, and Gordon Gekko taught us all that “greed is good.” Essentially, we were all jerks. Or were we?
In 1983, Ethiopia was struck by the worst famine the country had seen in over a century. According to reports, as many as 1,000,000 Ethiopians died between 1983 and 1985, both from starvation and the chaos that followed. Putting our asshole tendencies aside, a global effort was made to provide aid to the country, and that’s where things got creative.
First, Bob Geldof - yes thatBob Geldof - got a bunch of his rich UK musician friends to unite in 1984, like a pasty version of Voltron, under the awful name BAND AID to record “Do They Know it’s Christmas,” a song that unintentionally implied that we should only care about people during holiday season. Sting was there! And Bono! And Duran Duran! And George Michael! And Phil Collins! This was HUGE. The song was a massive hit, selling nearly 12 million copies worldwide, and $14 million was raised for famine relief.
And with that - Ethiopia had officially become a cause célèbre…which brings us to USA for Africa and the EPIC “We are the World.”
If Band Aid was like Voltron, then USA for Africa (the 1985 brainchild of mega-producer Quincy Jones) was like SUPER VOLTRON FROM OUTER SPACE MADE OF MAGIC AND LIGHT AND WONDER AND DREAMS. For christ’s sake, Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie wrote the song. Does it get more legit than that? And everyone who ever made me dance sang on this record. Springsteen! Stevie Wonder! Ray Charles! Cyndi Lauper! Hall AND Oates! Dionne Warwick! Willie Nelson! Tina Turner! Dan Aykroyd!!!????????
This wasn’t just huge. This was a supernova. This was bigger than the Big Bang. All told, the song sold 20 million copies and raised $63 MILLION DOLLARSfor humanitarian aid. Obviously, this would forever be the most successful charitable collaboration in the evers of everdom. Or would it??? (SPOILER ALERT: it would.)
Oh, what’s that? You’ve never heard of SWEDISH METAL AID? Well, shame on you. If Band Aid was Voltron, and USA for Africa was SUPER MEGA GALACTIC MAGICAL VOLTRON, then Swedish Metal Aid was like the foreign exchange student that lived in Voltron’s neighbor’s house.
Not wanting to miss out on all the awesome charity goodness, Europe front-man and part-time lion Joey Tempest (pictured above, mid-roar) took a break from teasing his luscious Scandinavian mane to join in the philanthropic fun. In 1985, after the success of both Band Aid and USA for Africa, Tempest thought, “Hey, Swedes care, too.” And like the sjora and skogsra of Swedish folklore, something mystical happened. “GIVE A HELPING HAND” HAPPENED. And it was…definitely something. AND IT WAS TERRIBLE.
Obviously, for the song to be a success, Tempest had to enlist the help of the top Swedish musicians of the day. Musicians like Robert Ernlund! Bjorn Lodin! And…oh, who am I kidding. The only guy anyone knows in the group is Joey Tempest, and I’m guessing you can only name 2 Europe songs at most. But I’ll tell you who wasn’t there - TITAN OF METAL AND LEGENDARY DOUCHEBAG YNGWIE MALMSTEEN.
There was probably a good reason for not having guitar-slayer Malmsteen play on what was bound to be the best-selling Swedish hair metal charity song OF ALL TIME. Maybe he didn’t care about famine relief. He is, after all, a legendary douchebag. Or maybe he was busy shredding all over the world. Or maybe he had a blister on his finger. WHO KNOWS. All I’m saying is that his absence from the project probably didn’t impact sales in the slightest. Not one bit.
This song was going to blow people’s minds, through the raw power of Swedish metal, and lyrics like:
There’s a girl with a little child To them the world’s so wild, so wild And now the future has turned out So insecure, insecure
And…
There’s a boy and he’s wondering why He rides alone under the clear blue sky Oh, he’s been standing there for days Just wondering why, oh, wondering why
And the KICK ASS CHORUS:
Together we can change the world Together we must try Together we can save the world And help us all survive And give a helping hand A helping hand
Ok, it wasn’t Lennon/McCartney good. But it was from the heart, and also presumably from the mind of a small child who just learned about poems.
And let’s not forget, this was for a very good cause. So…exactly how many copies of this heavy metal anthem were sold??? Drum roll please………..
It’s the thought that counts, I guess, and it was a good effort on the part of Sweden’s metal demigods. And, as we all know, Ethiopia is totally fine now, so that’s good news. Still…one has to wonder: how many more copies would have been sold if YNGWIE MALMSTEEN was on the record? Well, at least one, because I would have purchased it for sure.
